heart beats, heart thoughts

So I have been getting on Tumblr a lot lately, thinking about writing again.  Over the last couple years I just haven’t had enough time to write, and it really sucks.  I actually feel like I’m missing something in my life.  So, I’m getting back into it, warming up.  So I’m tossing some of my old writing projects around, mostly fiction, some non-fiction.  Thinking about starting up the Taylor Swift song a day, but instead just a musical song a day.  Taylor Swift was getting repetitive… Hah.  So expect to see more from me in the next little while! If anyone has any song requests, or topics to write about send them my way. Love ya!

“I can’t speak much to the ballet part, other than the spandex. But I can see how it would, sans all the jumping. At least until you make it to the graceful landing bit.”

Quote of the night from Favorite Lee.

So the one year anniversary of my brother’s death has come and gone, and I’m still a few days from the one year anniversary of my sister’s.  After a couple days of quiet reflection, I’ve compiled a few thoughts I’d like to share.

The worst feeling in the world is feeling completely helpless, and in the past few months I have encountered the feeling many times.  I have tried really hard to help people that I care about, and it really hurts me to see loved ones in pain.  I have felt so helpless with some of my friends and family lately that I really just don’t know what to do.  But that’s okay.  Sometimes there just isn’t anything that you can do, you just have to hold on and wait.  I remember feeling completely helpless after Gabe and Heather died, and I knew in my heart that nobody could help me, which made them feel equally helpless.  I’ve been in the place where people were saying things to me, trying to do things for me, and it wasn’t helping at all.  I just wanted to scream- “Don’t you realize? Everything you are doing is just stuff.  These things that you’re saying are just words.  It doesn’t matter in the long run!”  But it does.  After that initial feeling of sadness and anger wears off, you remember what people said, and it means a lot.  It’s in situations like these that you find out who your friends are.

Furthermore, I have come to realize that there really isn’t anything I can do anymore.  As much as I would like to, I cannot raise the dead, and I cannot fix the part of my heart that has been scorned by these deaths.  But I’ve learned that I don’t have to be unhappy anymore.  For a while, I felt so guilty every time I realized that I had another day, and they didn’t.  I felt so guilty every time I laughed, every time I enjoyed something, every time I did anything that caused me to really feel anything.  I didn’t feel like it was fair, or right.  I’ve realized that’s not true though.  Neither Heather nor Gabe would want me to stop being happy just because they are gone.  They wouldn’t want me to be sad, and they wouldn’t want me to cry.  And I can honestly say that on Saturday, I felt very odd, and I was incredibly distracted.  But I wasn’t sad, and I didn’t cry.  It didn’t feel right that I would be sad over something I had no control over.  What is done is done, and the only thing that you can do is move past it and try to be happy again.

So that’s what I am going to do, I am going to let myself be happy again, because I deserve that.  I am going to take all of the opportunities that I can get, and I am going to enjoy all of the experiences this world has to offer.  I am done mourning, and I am going to stop worrying about every little detail- everything will work out if it is supposed to.  I am going to pay more attention to what is right in front of me, all the while looking forward to what lies ahead of me.  I am going to live without regrets, because it is a worthless feeling that only gets the best of you.  And I am going to love everybody, because life is too short not to.  I am finally feeling good again, and I feel like it’s about time to break these chains that have bound me for this last year.

“You leave and all hell breaks loose. I’m spinning in a downward spiral of ‘oh god, I hope he starts throwing rocks at my window in the middle of the night.’”

Tired me is pretty entertaining if you ask me.

And all I can think of is “oh, no.  Not again.  Please, not this again.”